Wishing, wanting, yours for the taking

So. I'm probably the frumpiest person alive right now. And for no real reason.

Don't you  hate when that happens? Oh...it only happens to me?

I tried to remedy it. Went and sat by the water. Fueled my addiction. Just tried to relax.

Didn't help.

Well maybe.

Did some thinking. Which lead to praying. Which didn't go well...all I could think was "there's just too much. Too much to pray for. Too much I'm worrying about. Too much stuff wrong."

So that lead to talking to myself...which was really just a half-hearted pep talk. Didn't make me feel better.

So then we were back to thinking.

About the last time I was just sitting, staring at this lake.

He was beside me, and we had all just finished swimming for the last time. But we we're alone, sitting on the dock. Just being.

I don't know what he was thinking about, but I was just trying to remember that moment.

Of just being with him, feeling alone yet being together. Quiet.

Feeling the sun on my face, and his hand in mine.

Maybe a part of me knew it was special, being there with him. The last time, of many times that summer, that we'd be down at the water. Alone.

Because he didn't come back this year.

And I'm finding this more difficult than expected.

Limited communication, with a couple 24 hour stretches of nothing.

Its only been a week, yet I don't know how to do this for 3 months.

Being away from most of the people I'm usually around.

Missing them all like crazy.

And wondering if they really need me, as much as I need them.

100 days of alone.

One week to pack up our lives, squish it into the car and then head home.

Two weeks of long distance, technological romance, texting and Skype-ing and then I get to be with him again.

Sometimes it feels like I was just writing my "30 days before we leave" post back in September.

But most of the time it feels like these past 5 and a half months have gone by soo slow.

That every day just inched by, and each moment was a fight to keep our relationship alive.

It was good to go home at Christmas and see him for a bit.

But now its been 100 days without him, and these next 15 seem like nothing.

Atleast I'll be busy too. I have cleaning and sorting, packing and selling, driving and Easter to keep me distracted.

360 hours till I'm back where I belong.

21 600 minutes.

1 296 000 seconds.

Give or take a few hours.

But who's counting?

:)

Thoughts. That I don't know how to say, so I'll let these do the talking.

Who falls in love too easily

I’m the one who falls asleep on the couch at 9:00, but then moves to her bed and stares at the ceiling.

I dream about Paris, even though I know I’ll never have the money to go.

I’m the girl who tells herself that today is the day I wait for you to make the first move and start the conversation, just to see if you will. But I never can.

I’m the kind of person that is blogging in her head before something has even finished happening.

The kind of person, that when hearing a great new artist, wonders if she can download it for free.

I “appear offline” because I don’t have anything to say to you.

The kind of person that worries about money, but will willingly spend it on good food and drinks.

The kind of person that gets so angry that “she could punch someone”, but never actually has.

The kind of girl who paints her nails cause she likes the color, just to remove it the next day .

The kind of girl who will never, ever leave the house in sweatpants let alone pajama pants. If this does happen, you know something is dreadfully wrong.

The kind of person that can’t sleep if her room is a mess, but never makes her bed.

I’m that girl. The one that is so insecure she worries that we’ve fallen out of love a hundred time a week.

I lay awake at night, worrying about my future. Because I still have no ideas, and I’m scared its almost here.

The kind of girl who has so many secrets. But he knows them all.

I’m completely honest. Its not a lie if you don’t ask, right?