So here it is. This is honestly how I am doing.

My life has become boring as of late.

I just get up and work. eat. sleep. rinse & repeat.

I do the same thing everyday.

I don't wake up eagerly. Nothing to be excited about.

I feel....stuck. Going nowhere.

I need a change. Something needs to change.

But now I have a full time job...which actually means I'm lucky to get 2 days off a week.

So now I'm just alive..not living. Just existing.
And most of the time, I feel alone.

Which is remarkable, as I live with my sister and have a boyfriend, a large family, and friends.

But it feels like everyone else is living, a busy life. And they don't have time for me.

Which makes me think "What's the point."

In everything. In doing anything anymore.
Bleh.

But maybe I'm just being a whiny, selfish, attention whore.

Maybe I need to start thinking positively.

Being thankful for what I have.

Choosing happy, everyday.

And not living my life for someone else.

Living everyday for me. Doing whatever makes me happy.

Because (and this is really hard to admit) but I think that at some point, this crossed the line from "love" to "obsession".  And I don't want to be that girl.

I need to relax. Take a step back.

I do love him (are you reading this? I do love you)

But, and I think he'd agree with me, I put too much effort and attention into him and the relationship.

Or maybe not...Maybe I am doing this correctly.

Relationships are hard.

A fall from the third floor hurts as much as a fall from the hundredth. If I have to fall, may it be from a high place.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I think this fact makes me a disappointment.
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Okay...that's not exactly true. There's lots of things I want to do.
-Volunteer
-Express myself creatively more...writing, drawing
-Travel....small road trips, Italy, France, Amsterdam
-Learn to really love myself, just as I am
-Dreadlocks :)
-Marriage....eventually
-Tattoos....some meaningful, some funny
-Eat/be healthier....maybe return to vegetarianism? or just eat less meat
-Recycle :)
-Live....don't just be alive
-Attend loads of concerts, raves, outdoor music fests
-Make my parents actually proud of me
-Raise a child/ have a family of mine own
-Live on my own for awhile....not with Allison or any other roommate
-Live debt free. No credit cards, line of credit, or owing anyone
-Learn to be happy with what I have/where I am. and take no day for granted
-Figure out a plan for my life?
-Be more spiritual
-Relax. Everyday. Just gear down and take it easy
-Dance. I know I can't, that I have no rhythm and that I'm musically retarded. But I want to be able to dance and not care
-Be more knowledgeable on a certain subject......haha :)
-Comic Con
-Say I Love You. Every day
-Learn to make perfect lattes, cappuccinos

But the one thing I don't know, my job/career, is the one thing everyone seems concerned about. They want me to go to school, get a degree, be mega successful. But what if their measure of success is different than mine? I don't care about having a career, and making lots of money. Yeah I know I have to have a job and work. But I want to just work enough so that I'm comfortable and healthy. I want to be free to live life, and enjoy it. Not be working crazy to pay off bills, and loans, and mortgages. I just want to be happy and love...isn't that what life is about? Not making money to buy stuff you don't really need?


I just want to live a simple, happy life full of love. Is that too much to ask?

My happiness can be bought for $5.99

Sobey's finally got mandarin oranges.

It now feels like the Christmas season to me.

I was completely euphoric, grinning like a mad man as I walked to my car.

I couldn't contain myself. I sat in the parking lot, listened to country music, and peeled my first mandarin orange of the season.

As I rolled it between my palms, and peeled away the skin, the memories started coming back.

And then I slowly broke off one segment of juicy flesh, as a sad smile crept across my face.

The moment the sweet-tart juices hit my tongue, I was instantly reminded.
Off all of the other mandarins I've had.

How starting in November we would have one packed in our lunches everyday, then one tucked into the toe of our stocking on Christmas morning, and an odd memory of trying to peel them into the shape of elephant heads at Sunday school concert practice. We must have gone through so many boxes each season.

And then, sitting in my car, I realized how much I miss my Mom and Dad, Sisters, Grandma, and Him. How even though I love this island, I need to be back in the same province as them (and only have the Gap between Jodi). How I can't wait to be home for the holidays. But I wish that was home, and I know I'm going to have trouble getting back on that plane.

So obviously, I cried. because I miss everyone so much, and don't want to leave them again.

All this, from one piece of citrus.

30 days? I don't know. This doesn't have a title

So...I've gotten to the point where I no longer feel like writing. No longer have wonderful, beautiful, interesting thoughts spinning around in my head. Maybe this is inner peace? Or maybe its just boring.

Maybe this is caused by the fact that it appears as though nobody actually does read this. Or if they do, they don't care or have a comment to add. So what's the point of sharing my thoughts with myself? I already know them.

Maybe I need to take another night walk? Wander the streets with just myself? I wish I had a camera of mine own to use. Photography is something I'm interested in.

Maybe that's just it. Maybe I need a new creative outlet? I can't afford a camera though. Perhaps I'll buy some proper pencils and sketch pad. At one time I was half decent at drawing, kind of.

But who cares if its good? Its just for me.

A release of sorts. Some time for just myself. To center and calm.

I've also been looking into meditation. I know, this may sound odd. It is usually associated with Hinduism or Buddhism. But there is a form of Christian Meditation, which is almost like a higher level of prayer? If I'm understanding it right. Used to strengthen the spiritual relationship.

But I'm really not sure. Its just feels like my life is lacking something.

Meditation....yet another step towards hippie status
Next thing you know I'll be getting a peace sign tattoo and calling myself "Sunshine".
Just kidding. About part of that :)

Its not a poem

So I've realized

that in our family,

immediate or distant,

we are the only ones

to really leave.

Most everyone else

is still in the same

province or city

as their

parents.

And we are

thousands of kilometers

away from the rents.

Irwin and Wanda

must miss us

lots.

And feel strange

compared to other's

moms and dads.

It's like we've

abandoned them

and our childhood

for things and places

different and new.

But I wish

that they knew,

its not always

the best.

Being an adult

is just

as difficult as

everyone warned.

And being away

from former support

makes it worse.

Emotional strings

being snapped

from the lifeline

that kept us

grounded.

Left alone

to figure out

just how to

live.