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Today...was pretty good.

I stayed in bed until almost noon.

Why?

Haha, wouldn't you like to know.

Then I ate way too many chocolate chip pecan cookies.

Wanda's been in a baking frenzy.

Which is awesome, but fattening.

That's something you should know about me, I'm addicted to food.
If its delicious or comforting, I can't stop eating.

I also would like to lay in bed, all day sometimes.

I listen to country music when I'm feeling homesick, because it reminds me of my daddy.

I have a huge aversion to germs and bacteria.

I can't go 2 months without dying my hair.

I love Manitoba, yet hate it at the same time.

I wish my life was figured out, and I knew when I would be with you permanently.

I'm scared of the future. But excited at the same time.

Because I know I'll be with you :)

A brutally honest post

I'm not good enough...for anything

That's really how I feel about myself sometimes. Or at least once a month, for a couple days.

I start hating on myself hardcore.

Not nice enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not thin enough.
Not smart enough.

I've made too many bad choices. Too many mistakes.
I don't deserve anything good that I have.

I don't deserve love or happiness.
I don't deserve anything.

And when this happens, all I want to do is lay in bed. and cry. And maybe eat all the time, but because I'm fat I don't.

But I can't. I have to get up in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend that everything is ok.
Why? Because I don't want people to pity me. I don't want certain people to ask questions, because it would only make me cry. When someone actually shows a sincere interest, it makes me cry. I don't like dealing with stuff, I'd rather push it down and bury it.

I pretend to be a strong, independent, emotionally balanced person.
But all I want is someone to lean on.
Someone to hold my hand, and let me cry.
Someone to give me a hug and tell me that its all going to be ok, that I just need to gear it down, that I'm not a nut job or a terrible person, and they love me. No matter what.

And I hope I do have that.
I hope that even when I'm neurotic and emotional like this he doesn't get freaked out.
I hope he can deal with me, nicely.
And I hope he's always real and honest with me. Tells me the truth even if its hard to do.
I hope.

I'm sorry if I have freaked you out. If so, lets pretend you didn't see this side of me.

29 left

Roughly 29 days until I'm gone. Depends when we leave exactly.

Only 29 days to spend with my family, and friends, and him.
Or without him.

Bleh.
It saddens me even more to think that in these 29 days, maybe 10 with him. Maybe, if we're lucky.

I hate how I miss him already, and we're still in the same province. Still only 2 1/2 hours away from each other. Not 44 hours. Not 3605 km. Only 174 km.....but it feels like lots more.

Only 29 days to find a job in Charlottetown.
Only 29 days to figure out how we're going to afford our place.

Only 29 days to pack up my life again. Probably the 4th time in a year.
Only 29 days.

Its not enough. But somedays its too much.

It sums it up

Perfectly.

I was going to go through and highlight all of my favorite parts of this song, the parts that tell how I feel.

But then I realized it would just be the entire thing pretty much.

Relient K has always been one of my favorite bands. They were slightly immature when I was younger, and its like they guys, the band, and the music have grown with me. There was an album or so that I didn't want to listen to or enjoy, out of spite, because they lost a bunch of the band members and brought in new guys that I didn't like. But now I realize that it really did help to make them better and more mature.

Their music now is so mature, and wonderful. and can make me smile, cry, or laugh. It makes me want to dance, or just chill out. To me it is perfection, when I'm happy. or sad.

To me, this one talks about being in love but not being able to be together.
Even though they both want each other. 

But he's on his way to her. Driving through the night, tears of anticipation and longing running down his face.

And she'll be there, waiting anxiously for him. Because she knows how much he wants her too.

And he knows that once they're together again that night, everything will be right.
Laying beside her he sees that together they are perfect. That it is how God planned it.
He's gone his whole life, wanting to find her.
And now that she with him, everything makes sense.

Even though its not the start of their relationship, not the first time they're together it still always feels like it.
Still feels just as exciting, and new. Can still feel the butterflies, and the love is just as strong.
Strong enough that even when they aren't laying beside each other they both know that it is real, and its going to last.

Savannah

I hope to be there by the morning

And see this pining all transforming

Into the arms of the Georgia sun

Savannah

I'd love to feel the heat the sunrise

Brushing rays across my windshield as if one dries

The streams from off my face

Yet I know you'll be there cause you'll know I'll want you to be there

And we'll say hello as you're smiling in love

And we'll sigh so relieved I believe because we will both know by tonight we'll feel normal again

But until then

Until then

Until then

Savannah

Our backs supported by a hammock

We sum up perfection like a handbook

And God knows it all too well

Savannah

We'll take a walk to find a gift shop

Who would've thought the book that you bought

Would never come off the shelf

Baby

I spent my life wondering

Wondering when I'd find you

I searched for all these years and now you're right here

I need you to know that

Everything makes sense when you're with me

Savannah

Walk out into the sultry evening

Cotton breathing when the sea winds

Brush the hair down around your neck

Savannah

You hold my hand like it's the first time

And all the feelings that our hearts find

Will be just what we expect