Sobey's finally got mandarin oranges.
It now feels like the Christmas season to me.
I was completely euphoric, grinning like a mad man as I walked to my car.
I couldn't contain myself. I sat in the parking lot, listened to country music, and peeled my first mandarin orange of the season.
As I rolled it between my palms, and peeled away the skin, the memories started coming back.
And then I slowly broke off one segment of juicy flesh, as a sad smile crept across my face.
The moment the sweet-tart juices hit my tongue, I was instantly reminded.
Off all of the other mandarins I've had.
How starting in November we would have one packed in our lunches everyday, then one tucked into the toe of our stocking on Christmas morning, and an odd memory of trying to peel them into the shape of elephant heads at Sunday school concert practice. We must have gone through so many boxes each season.
And then, sitting in my car, I realized how much I miss my Mom and Dad, Sisters, Grandma, and Him. How even though I love this island, I need to be back in the same province as them (and only have the Gap between Jodi). How I can't wait to be home for the holidays. But I wish that was home, and I know I'm going to have trouble getting back on that plane.
So obviously, I cried. because I miss everyone so much, and don't want to leave them again.
All this, from one piece of citrus.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
30 days? I don't know. This doesn't have a title
So...I've gotten to the point where I no longer feel like writing. No longer have wonderful, beautiful, interesting thoughts spinning around in my head. Maybe this is inner peace? Or maybe its just boring.
Maybe this is caused by the fact that it appears as though nobody actually does read this. Or if they do, they don't care or have a comment to add. So what's the point of sharing my thoughts with myself? I already know them.
Maybe I need to take another night walk? Wander the streets with just myself? I wish I had a camera of mine own to use. Photography is something I'm interested in.
Maybe that's just it. Maybe I need a new creative outlet? I can't afford a camera though. Perhaps I'll buy some proper pencils and sketch pad. At one time I was half decent at drawing, kind of.
But who cares if its good? Its just for me.
A release of sorts. Some time for just myself. To center and calm.
I've also been looking into meditation. I know, this may sound odd. It is usually associated with Hinduism or Buddhism. But there is a form of Christian Meditation, which is almost like a higher level of prayer? If I'm understanding it right. Used to strengthen the spiritual relationship.
But I'm really not sure. Its just feels like my life is lacking something.
Meditation....yet another step towards hippie status
Next thing you know I'll be getting a peace sign tattoo and calling myself "Sunshine".
Just kidding. About part of that :)
Maybe this is caused by the fact that it appears as though nobody actually does read this. Or if they do, they don't care or have a comment to add. So what's the point of sharing my thoughts with myself? I already know them.
Maybe I need to take another night walk? Wander the streets with just myself? I wish I had a camera of mine own to use. Photography is something I'm interested in.
Maybe that's just it. Maybe I need a new creative outlet? I can't afford a camera though. Perhaps I'll buy some proper pencils and sketch pad. At one time I was half decent at drawing, kind of.
But who cares if its good? Its just for me.
A release of sorts. Some time for just myself. To center and calm.
I've also been looking into meditation. I know, this may sound odd. It is usually associated with Hinduism or Buddhism. But there is a form of Christian Meditation, which is almost like a higher level of prayer? If I'm understanding it right. Used to strengthen the spiritual relationship.
But I'm really not sure. Its just feels like my life is lacking something.
Meditation....yet another step towards hippie status
Next thing you know I'll be getting a peace sign tattoo and calling myself "Sunshine".
Just kidding. About part of that :)
Monday, November 08, 2010
Its not a poem
So I've realized
that in our family,
immediate or distant,
we are the only ones
to really leave.
Most everyone else
is still in the same
province or city
as their
parents.
And we are
thousands of kilometers
away from the rents.
Irwin and Wanda
must miss us
lots.
And feel strange
compared to other's
moms and dads.
It's like we've
abandoned them
and our childhood
for things and places
different and new.
But I wish
that they knew,
its not always
the best.
Being an adult
is just
as difficult as
everyone warned.
And being away
from former support
makes it worse.
Emotional strings
being snapped
from the lifeline
that kept us
grounded.
Left alone
to figure out
just how to
live.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Please don't think differently of me/This isn't meant to be preachy
Church. That's the topic of today, and I hope you stick around to read it. You don't have to, its kind of confusing.
I love going to church, I really do. Maybe at one point I went because that's what our family did, but now I go for me. Even though I don't have the greatest spiritual relationship, I'm not a mega-christian. I don't know what I am, I'm so much more open minded than most Christians I know. Which sometimes makes me feel like I'm failing at this, and I'm not one. But after a long, stressful, sad week it makes me feel better. Uplifts my spirit.
I went the better part of the summer not going to church, and I missed it. Yeah, I was at a church camp. But it really wasn't churchy at all. Chapel would mainly be singing kids songs, with one verse read quickly in the middle. Don't get me wrong, I love songs. They can be wonderful tools for teaching and praise. But when nobody even looks at a Bible the whole summer, and there's no real emphasis on religion, the campers, counsellors, and staff aren't going to be going anywhere spiritually.
But, maybe it was just different this year because there wasn't really anyone just in charge of Chapel? If I didn't love cooking so much I might go back next year and take that position, but I would rather feed people physically.
Anyways...that got off topic. So yeah, two months of not real church. And I hate to admit it, but I don't read my Bible. I know I should, and maybe that's the problem. I don't like other people telling me how I should do this. And it just feels like a history lesson :( But now I'm going to church regularly again, and its wonderful. My church here is unfortunately better than small town Manitoba. I feel bad thinking like that, but its the truth.
Its youthful, and vibrant and alive. The emotional energy in that building was unreal this morning. Maybe I'm turning into a crazy hippie, but I really could feel this positive energy. The songs were so meaningful, and everyone is just so happy to be there. Happy to be alive, praising God for it.
And then it just hit me. If you can't see that, see that everything we have is from God. Can't admit there is a God and deny his existence. I just don't understand that. I look around at this city, and our country, and the world. And how can you deny a Creator? How do people believe this all evolved randomly from nothing? Then to go through life, with nothing to look forward to at the end? Not believing there's something better after all this?
But you know what? Some days I see how people could think like that. Terrible things happen in the world, innocent people die, and its hard for us to understand why. And sometimes there's stuff in the Bible, or preached at church that is hard for us to understand, believe, grasp. But that's part of it. Having faith in something you don't understand. In something bigger than yourself.
Life isn't easy, but having a religion to help explain things sometimes makes it better and helps you through.
And maybe none of this makes sense to you. It really is just ramblings from my brain. I don't know everything. I might not even know anything. And I'm not claiming to be right. These are just my thoughts and opinions.
I love going to church, I really do. Maybe at one point I went because that's what our family did, but now I go for me. Even though I don't have the greatest spiritual relationship, I'm not a mega-christian. I don't know what I am, I'm so much more open minded than most Christians I know. Which sometimes makes me feel like I'm failing at this, and I'm not one. But after a long, stressful, sad week it makes me feel better. Uplifts my spirit.
I went the better part of the summer not going to church, and I missed it. Yeah, I was at a church camp. But it really wasn't churchy at all. Chapel would mainly be singing kids songs, with one verse read quickly in the middle. Don't get me wrong, I love songs. They can be wonderful tools for teaching and praise. But when nobody even looks at a Bible the whole summer, and there's no real emphasis on religion, the campers, counsellors, and staff aren't going to be going anywhere spiritually.
But, maybe it was just different this year because there wasn't really anyone just in charge of Chapel? If I didn't love cooking so much I might go back next year and take that position, but I would rather feed people physically.
Anyways...that got off topic. So yeah, two months of not real church. And I hate to admit it, but I don't read my Bible. I know I should, and maybe that's the problem. I don't like other people telling me how I should do this. And it just feels like a history lesson :( But now I'm going to church regularly again, and its wonderful. My church here is unfortunately better than small town Manitoba. I feel bad thinking like that, but its the truth.
Its youthful, and vibrant and alive. The emotional energy in that building was unreal this morning. Maybe I'm turning into a crazy hippie, but I really could feel this positive energy. The songs were so meaningful, and everyone is just so happy to be there. Happy to be alive, praising God for it.
And then it just hit me. If you can't see that, see that everything we have is from God. Can't admit there is a God and deny his existence. I just don't understand that. I look around at this city, and our country, and the world. And how can you deny a Creator? How do people believe this all evolved randomly from nothing? Then to go through life, with nothing to look forward to at the end? Not believing there's something better after all this?
But you know what? Some days I see how people could think like that. Terrible things happen in the world, innocent people die, and its hard for us to understand why. And sometimes there's stuff in the Bible, or preached at church that is hard for us to understand, believe, grasp. But that's part of it. Having faith in something you don't understand. In something bigger than yourself.
Life isn't easy, but having a religion to help explain things sometimes makes it better and helps you through.
And maybe none of this makes sense to you. It really is just ramblings from my brain. I don't know everything. I might not even know anything. And I'm not claiming to be right. These are just my thoughts and opinions.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Post #146 brought to you by brackets! ()[]{}
146. Kind of sad for a blog that's been alive for a couple years :( {And apparently by a couple, I mean 4?!?}
Whatevs, doesn't really matter.
So I've started a list. Not really one of the bucket variety, though some may call it that.
More of a goals(?) for living [if that changes it] or things that will define how I want to live/what kind of human I want to be.
And if that doesn't make sense to you, you can suck it.
So yeah, I started this list last night and I've already got 22 areas of concern. Though I'm sure these will change as I get older.
This all started after we saw "Its Kind of a Funny Story" {side note- fantastic movie, (Zach Galifianakis!) obviously. If you get the chance, watch}, and at the end one of the characters is just listing off different things they're going to do now that they truly feel alive.
And it made me realize that where I am right now physically and in the spot in my life, is not leaving me with the feeling of being alive. And I want to change this. I want to feel alive. But I'm not sure how to? So making a list of the different stuff is how I'm going to sort it out and make a plan, kinda.
Now you're all thinking [And by all I mean Aaron, Jodi, Allison? (did I miss anyone?)] "So....let us have a look at this fabled list of which you speak." {Dr. Zoidberg voice}.
Someday, gentle viewer. Someday.
Whatevs, doesn't really matter.
So I've started a list. Not really one of the bucket variety, though some may call it that.
More of a goals(?) for living [if that changes it] or things that will define how I want to live/what kind of human I want to be.
And if that doesn't make sense to you, you can suck it.
So yeah, I started this list last night and I've already got 22 areas of concern. Though I'm sure these will change as I get older.
This all started after we saw "Its Kind of a Funny Story" {side note- fantastic movie, (Zach Galifianakis!) obviously. If you get the chance, watch}, and at the end one of the characters is just listing off different things they're going to do now that they truly feel alive.
And it made me realize that where I am right now physically and in the spot in my life, is not leaving me with the feeling of being alive. And I want to change this. I want to feel alive. But I'm not sure how to? So making a list of the different stuff is how I'm going to sort it out and make a plan, kinda.
Now you're all thinking [And by all I mean Aaron, Jodi, Allison? (did I miss anyone?)] "So....let us have a look at this fabled list of which you speak." {Dr. Zoidberg voice}.
Someday, gentle viewer. Someday.
