So. I'm probably the frumpiest person alive right now. And for no real reason.
Don't you hate when that happens? Oh...it only happens to me?
I tried to remedy it. Went and sat by the water. Fueled my addiction. Just tried to relax.
Didn't help.
Well maybe.
Did some thinking. Which lead to praying. Which didn't go well...all I could think was "there's just too much. Too much to pray for. Too much I'm worrying about. Too much stuff wrong."
So that lead to talking to myself...which was really just a half-hearted pep talk. Didn't make me feel better.
So then we were back to thinking.
About the last time I was just sitting, staring at this lake.
He was beside me, and we had all just finished swimming for the last time. But we we're alone, sitting on the dock. Just being.
I don't know what he was thinking about, but I was just trying to remember that moment.
Of just being with him, feeling alone yet being together. Quiet.
Feeling the sun on my face, and his hand in mine.
Maybe a part of me knew it was special, being there with him. The last time, of many times that summer, that we'd be down at the water. Alone.
Because he didn't come back this year.
And I'm finding this more difficult than expected.
Limited communication, with a couple 24 hour stretches of nothing.
Its only been a week, yet I don't know how to do this for 3 months.
Being away from most of the people I'm usually around.
Missing them all like crazy.
And wondering if they really need me, as much as I need them.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
100 days of alone.
One week to pack up our lives, squish it into the car and then head home.
Two weeks of long distance, technological romance, texting and Skype-ing and then I get to be with him again.
Sometimes it feels like I was just writing my "30 days before we leave" post back in September.
But most of the time it feels like these past 5 and a half months have gone by soo slow.
That every day just inched by, and each moment was a fight to keep our relationship alive.
It was good to go home at Christmas and see him for a bit.
But now its been 100 days without him, and these next 15 seem like nothing.
Atleast I'll be busy too. I have cleaning and sorting, packing and selling, driving and Easter to keep me distracted.
360 hours till I'm back where I belong.
21 600 minutes.
1 296 000 seconds.
Give or take a few hours.
But who's counting?
:)
Two weeks of long distance, technological romance, texting and Skype-ing and then I get to be with him again.
Sometimes it feels like I was just writing my "30 days before we leave" post back in September.
But most of the time it feels like these past 5 and a half months have gone by soo slow.
That every day just inched by, and each moment was a fight to keep our relationship alive.
It was good to go home at Christmas and see him for a bit.
But now its been 100 days without him, and these next 15 seem like nothing.
Atleast I'll be busy too. I have cleaning and sorting, packing and selling, driving and Easter to keep me distracted.
360 hours till I'm back where I belong.
21 600 minutes.
1 296 000 seconds.
Give or take a few hours.
But who's counting?
:)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Who falls in love too easily
I’m the one who falls asleep on the couch at 9:00, but then moves to her bed and stares at the ceiling.
I dream about Paris, even though I know I’ll never have the money to go.
I’m the girl who tells herself that today is the day I wait for you to make the first move and start the conversation, just to see if you will. But I never can.
I’m the kind of person that is blogging in her head before something has even finished happening.
The kind of person, that when hearing a great new artist, wonders if she can download it for free.
I “appear offline” because I don’t have anything to say to you.
The kind of person that worries about money, but will willingly spend it on good food and drinks.
The kind of person that gets so angry that “she could punch someone”, but never actually has.
The kind of girl who paints her nails cause she likes the color, just to remove it the next day .
The kind of girl who will never, ever leave the house in sweatpants let alone pajama pants. If this does happen, you know something is dreadfully wrong.
The kind of person that can’t sleep if her room is a mess, but never makes her bed.
I’m that girl. The one that is so insecure she worries that we’ve fallen out of love a hundred time a week.
I lay awake at night, worrying about my future. Because I still have no ideas, and I’m scared its almost here.
The kind of girl who has so many secrets. But he knows them all.
I’m completely honest. Its not a lie if you don’t ask, right?
I dream about Paris, even though I know I’ll never have the money to go.
I’m the girl who tells herself that today is the day I wait for you to make the first move and start the conversation, just to see if you will. But I never can.
I’m the kind of person that is blogging in her head before something has even finished happening.
The kind of person, that when hearing a great new artist, wonders if she can download it for free.
I “appear offline” because I don’t have anything to say to you.
The kind of person that worries about money, but will willingly spend it on good food and drinks.
The kind of person that gets so angry that “she could punch someone”, but never actually has.
The kind of girl who paints her nails cause she likes the color, just to remove it the next day .
The kind of girl who will never, ever leave the house in sweatpants let alone pajama pants. If this does happen, you know something is dreadfully wrong.
The kind of person that can’t sleep if her room is a mess, but never makes her bed.
I’m that girl. The one that is so insecure she worries that we’ve fallen out of love a hundred time a week.
I lay awake at night, worrying about my future. Because I still have no ideas, and I’m scared its almost here.
The kind of girl who has so many secrets. But he knows them all.
I’m completely honest. Its not a lie if you don’t ask, right?
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Tipping Point
And no. This post has nothing to do with the book by Malcolm Gladwell.
We (Me and Allison) went out for supper the other night. And as anyone who has ever eaten in a restaurant with us knows, we are ridiculous. And we know it. We judge everything. But we’ve both worked in the industry and we know how it should be done. Sorry.
You know what? This service was okay. But that’s it. Nothing special. She did her job. Took our orders. Brought the right food. Cleared the plates. Brought the bill. Nothing special, did nothing out of the ordinary. Took no extra time or effort to make our experience memorable. So why should I tip her? I actually had a hard time adding the extra couple dollars. And I’ve never struggled with that before. But it just struck me. Why should I tip her, pay her extra, for just doing her job? Ah, because dear readers, that is now the social norm. Its what we’ve been told to do, and unfortunately its what all servers expect. No matter what kind of job they do, they know they’ll at least get a couple extra bucks. And this drives me crazy!
I can think of a lot more deserving people that should get tipped, rather than someone who just does their job. How’s about the hair stylist that doesn’t give you awful bangs? Yeah, I’ll tip you. Thank you for not making me look stupid. Thank you for making me want to come back. Thank you for not just doing your job by cutting my hair, but for doing it well. The guy standing in the –40 wind to pump my gas? Yeah, kind of his job. But really, I could pump my own. So he should get tipped for standing in the cold and doing it for me. The middle aged women clearing trays and dishes in the food court? Well she stopped to ask if we were done, happily took our trays, made sure our food was great, and told us to have a nice day. Being that cheerful and welcoming is not in her job description. And I would have tipped her if I could have. The barista at Starbucks? Usually they’re pompous and frigid. She was fantastic, chatted with us, was super friendly. I wish I could have tipped her directly.
But then I went to the Canada Post counter in Shoppers. And the two girls working there did not stop their conversation at all. I did not get a “hello”, all I did was set my envelopes down. Saw the total on the screen and handed her my money (all the while they’re still talking). The only thing that was said to my was “Do you want the receipt?” Which isn’t even a polite way of asking that!
So pretty much, the customer service industry is messed. And I hate leaving a tip just because its expected. Which reminds me of buffets…but that’s a whole other post.
We (Me and Allison) went out for supper the other night. And as anyone who has ever eaten in a restaurant with us knows, we are ridiculous. And we know it. We judge everything. But we’ve both worked in the industry and we know how it should be done. Sorry.
You know what? This service was okay. But that’s it. Nothing special. She did her job. Took our orders. Brought the right food. Cleared the plates. Brought the bill. Nothing special, did nothing out of the ordinary. Took no extra time or effort to make our experience memorable. So why should I tip her? I actually had a hard time adding the extra couple dollars. And I’ve never struggled with that before. But it just struck me. Why should I tip her, pay her extra, for just doing her job? Ah, because dear readers, that is now the social norm. Its what we’ve been told to do, and unfortunately its what all servers expect. No matter what kind of job they do, they know they’ll at least get a couple extra bucks. And this drives me crazy!
I can think of a lot more deserving people that should get tipped, rather than someone who just does their job. How’s about the hair stylist that doesn’t give you awful bangs? Yeah, I’ll tip you. Thank you for not making me look stupid. Thank you for making me want to come back. Thank you for not just doing your job by cutting my hair, but for doing it well. The guy standing in the –40 wind to pump my gas? Yeah, kind of his job. But really, I could pump my own. So he should get tipped for standing in the cold and doing it for me. The middle aged women clearing trays and dishes in the food court? Well she stopped to ask if we were done, happily took our trays, made sure our food was great, and told us to have a nice day. Being that cheerful and welcoming is not in her job description. And I would have tipped her if I could have. The barista at Starbucks? Usually they’re pompous and frigid. She was fantastic, chatted with us, was super friendly. I wish I could have tipped her directly.
But then I went to the Canada Post counter in Shoppers. And the two girls working there did not stop their conversation at all. I did not get a “hello”, all I did was set my envelopes down. Saw the total on the screen and handed her my money (all the while they’re still talking). The only thing that was said to my was “Do you want the receipt?” Which isn’t even a polite way of asking that!
So pretty much, the customer service industry is messed. And I hate leaving a tip just because its expected. Which reminds me of buffets…but that’s a whole other post.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Anticipation High
So I’ve finally figured it out. Why I’m feeling like.
I wake up everyday with this feeling of anticipation. Like I’m waiting for something to happen. Waiting for my life to happen.
But then, nothing does. For now, I’m in a sleepy city with nothing going on. Working a “9-5” minimum wage job. Taking the backseat in my own life (as someone wise said recently). But that excuse is only good for another two months. And then I’m free. To live how I want. To do what I want. But I don’t even know what that is.
I don’t have anything exciting happening anytime soon. No job yet for the summer. Or anything lined up after that. So nothing to look forward to there. Maybe if some plans were set. If some decisions were made I’d be feeling better? I like to plan. I like to know things well in advance. It makes me feel comfortable.
But, right now. No plans.
I’m very uncomfortable.
We need to talk. About everything.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
just pretend this all makes sense, its late.
Yet another sleepless night for me. Maybe not though, I guess the night isn’t quite over. Though its moving quickly towards morning and Mr. Sandman still escapes me.
I’ll be frank with you (you can still be you though), I’ve spent most of the past 2 hours crying. Whoever said that long distance relationships are hard is being polite. They are actually damn near impossible. Not quite, but pretty close.
So here I sit alone in my bed. With only the light from the screen for sight, trying to hide my tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes…from myself? I don’t know. Maybe hiding from the world now. I managed to find his shirt and pull it on, wishing more than anything that it still smelled like him. That I could imagine for a second that he was here with me. Just holding me when I start crying again.
But when I open my eyes I’m still by myself. Balled up Kleenex in my hand and Relient K softly playing in my ear. Trying to calm myself down so I can sleep, and dream of a happier day. A day when everything is right in my world again. Not messed up and confusing. Not a world where you realize that nobody and nothing is actually perfect. And no matter how hard you try, that’s not going to change.
Ignorance really is bliss. I would rather not know how it really is and be happy. Than see how horrible love can be and be miserable. But, alas, we can’t unknow what we’ve come to realize. Which is that I may be unhappy now, and we may not be perfect. But I’d rather be with him than be alone again and supremely unhappy because I’ve love and lost.
What is love? (baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me. No more…) But seriously, what is love? I don’t think it can be defined. I think its more than just a feeling. Love is a part of you. And it connects you to the one person that loves you back. Love is unconditional. and patient. and distance doesn’t effect it. It’s a part of you. And a part of them. And one day, its connected. And you realize that with them is where you’ve belonged, and everything feels right. Not perfect. And not happy all the time. Anyone that tells you that perfect relationships exist is lying to you. They take work, and commitment. And time.
But for now I’m cried out. And at the point of exhaustion where you feel disconnected from your hands. And I’m having trouble typing. So I guess I’ll try this “sleep” thing those new age hipsters have been talking about.
I’ll be frank with you (you can still be you though), I’ve spent most of the past 2 hours crying. Whoever said that long distance relationships are hard is being polite. They are actually damn near impossible. Not quite, but pretty close.
So here I sit alone in my bed. With only the light from the screen for sight, trying to hide my tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes…from myself? I don’t know. Maybe hiding from the world now. I managed to find his shirt and pull it on, wishing more than anything that it still smelled like him. That I could imagine for a second that he was here with me. Just holding me when I start crying again.
But when I open my eyes I’m still by myself. Balled up Kleenex in my hand and Relient K softly playing in my ear. Trying to calm myself down so I can sleep, and dream of a happier day. A day when everything is right in my world again. Not messed up and confusing. Not a world where you realize that nobody and nothing is actually perfect. And no matter how hard you try, that’s not going to change.
Ignorance really is bliss. I would rather not know how it really is and be happy. Than see how horrible love can be and be miserable. But, alas, we can’t unknow what we’ve come to realize. Which is that I may be unhappy now, and we may not be perfect. But I’d rather be with him than be alone again and supremely unhappy because I’ve love and lost.
What is love? (baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me. No more…) But seriously, what is love? I don’t think it can be defined. I think its more than just a feeling. Love is a part of you. And it connects you to the one person that loves you back. Love is unconditional. and patient. and distance doesn’t effect it. It’s a part of you. And a part of them. And one day, its connected. And you realize that with them is where you’ve belonged, and everything feels right. Not perfect. And not happy all the time. Anyone that tells you that perfect relationships exist is lying to you. They take work, and commitment. And time.
But for now I’m cried out. And at the point of exhaustion where you feel disconnected from your hands. And I’m having trouble typing. So I guess I’ll try this “sleep” thing those new age hipsters have been talking about.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Relationships that work are things that I can't comprehend
So yesterday was Valentine's day. And for me, it was almost like every other year. (Except for that one year that I got a rose and wonderful note from a fantastic friend, which made the day more bearable.) Yeah, I have a boyfriend. But he's over 3000 miles away, and all we got to do was talk for a bit. It made me feel strange, about everything. I didn't sleep well last night, laid there by myself and thought. About everything. And I've came to some conclusions. That I don't know how to share. Mostly about my life, happiness, and plans. Gah. I don't even know how to write this out, because I know you'll read it.
As for right now, I'm going to start embracing life. MY life. I'm spending the money I don't have and buying a memory card for that camera. I'm also going to buy a notebook/sketchpad and be creative for myself. This blog is nice, but there is stuff I can't share here. And I like sketching, even if its just doodling sometimes. I need an outlet. I wish I could go to the beach right now. I love it there. But I think there's too much snow.
I want to start jogging as well, I think it'll help with my emotional well being. I don't get outside as much as I should. Working too much, yet not enough. But I can't get up any earlier, already awake at 5:30. So I think I'll start jogging at night, under the cover of darkness.
So after we leave here in May, and return to Manitoba I'm pretty sure I'll spend a month at the farm and then return to Rock Lake for another summer. Which I'm super excited about. After that though, things get messed. I just don't know. I need to do what makes me happy, that much I've decided. Be where I'm going to be happy. I know for sure that I don't want to be in Brandon next year. I don't really have any friends there.
So my two choices (as I see it) are Portage or the Hat. Portage only if I can get a job at Grindstone or Horfrost. I'm not wanting to go back to a minimal wage retail job. And even then I'm not sure. He's going to be going to school in Winnipeg full time. and also maybe working. And all his friends, (Which I sometimes feel as though I don't fit in with) so there won't be a lot of time for me. And I don't want to be alone, that would be just like Brandon.
So Allison is talking about going to the Hat. And I would like to do that too. Be close to her and Jodi. And I know I could get a good job there, and I really do like that city. But then, what about my relationship? Even though I would be in a different province, it would only be about 10 hours away. Which is a lot closer than we are now. We would still be able to see each other, drive and spend weekends and stuff. I'm pretty sure we would be able to make it work. I just need to focus on my happiness. In the end, that's what matters. Right?
As for right now, I'm going to start embracing life. MY life. I'm spending the money I don't have and buying a memory card for that camera. I'm also going to buy a notebook/sketchpad and be creative for myself. This blog is nice, but there is stuff I can't share here. And I like sketching, even if its just doodling sometimes. I need an outlet. I wish I could go to the beach right now. I love it there. But I think there's too much snow.
I want to start jogging as well, I think it'll help with my emotional well being. I don't get outside as much as I should. Working too much, yet not enough. But I can't get up any earlier, already awake at 5:30. So I think I'll start jogging at night, under the cover of darkness.
So after we leave here in May, and return to Manitoba I'm pretty sure I'll spend a month at the farm and then return to Rock Lake for another summer. Which I'm super excited about. After that though, things get messed. I just don't know. I need to do what makes me happy, that much I've decided. Be where I'm going to be happy. I know for sure that I don't want to be in Brandon next year. I don't really have any friends there.
So my two choices (as I see it) are Portage or the Hat. Portage only if I can get a job at Grindstone or Horfrost. I'm not wanting to go back to a minimal wage retail job. And even then I'm not sure. He's going to be going to school in Winnipeg full time. and also maybe working. And all his friends, (Which I sometimes feel as though I don't fit in with) so there won't be a lot of time for me. And I don't want to be alone, that would be just like Brandon.
So Allison is talking about going to the Hat. And I would like to do that too. Be close to her and Jodi. And I know I could get a good job there, and I really do like that city. But then, what about my relationship? Even though I would be in a different province, it would only be about 10 hours away. Which is a lot closer than we are now. We would still be able to see each other, drive and spend weekends and stuff. I'm pretty sure we would be able to make it work. I just need to focus on my happiness. In the end, that's what matters. Right?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Choose happy.
Things are looking up.
I'm feeling a lot better. About everything.
Still kind of stressing about my future, near and distant. I pretty much know what I'm doing for the summer, but its after that which I'm not sure about.
I know what I want to happen, and I keep telling myself to live life for me. But sometimes I forget that. because I want to be with him.
But what if being with him isn't really possible for the next two years? What if I have to choose between living for me, or living with him? What if two more years of long distance kill the relationship? Cause its starting to feel like these last 2 months might just do it.
Anyways (I didn't want this to be a complainy post) the whole point of this, is to give you advice. Which I got from a sticky note on my sister's bathroom mirror. "Choose happy."
And that's what I've started doing lately. Choosing to be happy. In every situation, no matter how frumpy I get. I take a deep breath, think "choose happy", and list to myself everything I'm happy for/about until I stop being frumpy.
Okay, so that sounds silly. But it works :)
And it turns out, I have a lot to be happy about.
I'm feeling a lot better. About everything.
Still kind of stressing about my future, near and distant. I pretty much know what I'm doing for the summer, but its after that which I'm not sure about.
I know what I want to happen, and I keep telling myself to live life for me. But sometimes I forget that. because I want to be with him.
But what if being with him isn't really possible for the next two years? What if I have to choose between living for me, or living with him? What if two more years of long distance kill the relationship? Cause its starting to feel like these last 2 months might just do it.
Anyways (I didn't want this to be a complainy post) the whole point of this, is to give you advice. Which I got from a sticky note on my sister's bathroom mirror. "Choose happy."
And that's what I've started doing lately. Choosing to be happy. In every situation, no matter how frumpy I get. I take a deep breath, think "choose happy", and list to myself everything I'm happy for/about until I stop being frumpy.
Okay, so that sounds silly. But it works :)
And it turns out, I have a lot to be happy about.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
So here it is. This is honestly how I am doing.
My life has become boring as of late.
I just get up and work. eat. sleep. rinse & repeat.
I do the same thing everyday.
I don't wake up eagerly. Nothing to be excited about.
I feel....stuck. Going nowhere.
I need a change. Something needs to change.
But now I have a full time job...which actually means I'm lucky to get 2 days off a week.
So now I'm just alive..not living. Just existing.
And most of the time, I feel alone.
Which is remarkable, as I live with my sister and have a boyfriend, a large family, and friends.
But it feels like everyone else is living, a busy life. And they don't have time for me.
Which makes me think "What's the point."
In everything. In doing anything anymore.
Bleh.
But maybe I'm just being a whiny, selfish, attention whore.
Maybe I need to start thinking positively.
Being thankful for what I have.
Choosing happy, everyday.
And not living my life for someone else.
Living everyday for me. Doing whatever makes me happy.
Because (and this is really hard to admit) but I think that at some point, this crossed the line from "love" to "obsession". And I don't want to be that girl.
I need to relax. Take a step back.
I do love him (are you reading this? I do love you)
But, and I think he'd agree with me, I put too much effort and attention into him and the relationship.
Or maybe not...Maybe I am doing this correctly.
Relationships are hard.
I just get up and work. eat. sleep. rinse & repeat.
I do the same thing everyday.
I don't wake up eagerly. Nothing to be excited about.
I feel....stuck. Going nowhere.
I need a change. Something needs to change.
But now I have a full time job...which actually means I'm lucky to get 2 days off a week.
So now I'm just alive..not living. Just existing.
And most of the time, I feel alone.
Which is remarkable, as I live with my sister and have a boyfriend, a large family, and friends.
But it feels like everyone else is living, a busy life. And they don't have time for me.
Which makes me think "What's the point."
In everything. In doing anything anymore.
Bleh.
But maybe I'm just being a whiny, selfish, attention whore.
Maybe I need to start thinking positively.
Being thankful for what I have.
Choosing happy, everyday.
And not living my life for someone else.
Living everyday for me. Doing whatever makes me happy.
Because (and this is really hard to admit) but I think that at some point, this crossed the line from "love" to "obsession". And I don't want to be that girl.
I need to relax. Take a step back.
I do love him (are you reading this? I do love you)
But, and I think he'd agree with me, I put too much effort and attention into him and the relationship.
Or maybe not...Maybe I am doing this correctly.
Relationships are hard.
