A fall from the third floor hurts as much as a fall from the hundredth. If I have to fall, may it be from a high place.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I think this fact makes me a disappointment.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Okay...that's not exactly true. There's lots of things I want to do.
-Volunteer
-Express myself creatively more...writing, drawing
-Travel....small road trips, Italy, France, Amsterdam
-Learn to really love myself, just as I am
-Dreadlocks :)
-Marriage....eventually
-Tattoos....some meaningful, some funny
-Eat/be healthier....maybe return to vegetarianism? or just eat less meat
-Recycle :)
-Live....don't just be alive
-Attend loads of concerts, raves, outdoor music fests
-Make my parents actually proud of me
-Raise a child/ have a family of mine own
-Live on my own for awhile....not with Allison or any other roommate
-Live debt free. No credit cards, line of credit, or owing anyone
-Learn to be happy with what I have/where I am. and take no day for granted
-Figure out a plan for my life?
-Be more spiritual
-Relax. Everyday. Just gear down and take it easy
-Dance. I know I can't, that I have no rhythm and that I'm musically retarded. But I want to be able to dance and not care
-Be more knowledgeable on a certain subject......haha :)
-Comic Con
-Say I Love You. Every day
-Learn to make perfect lattes, cappuccinos

But the one thing I don't know, my job/career, is the one thing everyone seems concerned about. They want me to go to school, get a degree, be mega successful. But what if their measure of success is different than mine? I don't care about having a career, and making lots of money. Yeah I know I have to have a job and work. But I want to just work enough so that I'm comfortable and healthy. I want to be free to live life, and enjoy it. Not be working crazy to pay off bills, and loans, and mortgages. I just want to be happy and love...isn't that what life is about? Not making money to buy stuff you don't really need?


I just want to live a simple, happy life full of love. Is that too much to ask?

My happiness can be bought for $5.99

Sobey's finally got mandarin oranges.

It now feels like the Christmas season to me.

I was completely euphoric, grinning like a mad man as I walked to my car.

I couldn't contain myself. I sat in the parking lot, listened to country music, and peeled my first mandarin orange of the season.

As I rolled it between my palms, and peeled away the skin, the memories started coming back.

And then I slowly broke off one segment of juicy flesh, as a sad smile crept across my face.

The moment the sweet-tart juices hit my tongue, I was instantly reminded.
Off all of the other mandarins I've had.

How starting in November we would have one packed in our lunches everyday, then one tucked into the toe of our stocking on Christmas morning, and an odd memory of trying to peel them into the shape of elephant heads at Sunday school concert practice. We must have gone through so many boxes each season.

And then, sitting in my car, I realized how much I miss my Mom and Dad, Sisters, Grandma, and Him. How even though I love this island, I need to be back in the same province as them (and only have the Gap between Jodi). How I can't wait to be home for the holidays. But I wish that was home, and I know I'm going to have trouble getting back on that plane.

So obviously, I cried. because I miss everyone so much, and don't want to leave them again.

All this, from one piece of citrus.

30 days? I don't know. This doesn't have a title

So...I've gotten to the point where I no longer feel like writing. No longer have wonderful, beautiful, interesting thoughts spinning around in my head. Maybe this is inner peace? Or maybe its just boring.

Maybe this is caused by the fact that it appears as though nobody actually does read this. Or if they do, they don't care or have a comment to add. So what's the point of sharing my thoughts with myself? I already know them.

Maybe I need to take another night walk? Wander the streets with just myself? I wish I had a camera of mine own to use. Photography is something I'm interested in.

Maybe that's just it. Maybe I need a new creative outlet? I can't afford a camera though. Perhaps I'll buy some proper pencils and sketch pad. At one time I was half decent at drawing, kind of.

But who cares if its good? Its just for me.

A release of sorts. Some time for just myself. To center and calm.

I've also been looking into meditation. I know, this may sound odd. It is usually associated with Hinduism or Buddhism. But there is a form of Christian Meditation, which is almost like a higher level of prayer? If I'm understanding it right. Used to strengthen the spiritual relationship.

But I'm really not sure. Its just feels like my life is lacking something.

Meditation....yet another step towards hippie status
Next thing you know I'll be getting a peace sign tattoo and calling myself "Sunshine".
Just kidding. About part of that :)

Its not a poem

So I've realized

that in our family,

immediate or distant,

we are the only ones

to really leave.

Most everyone else

is still in the same

province or city

as their

parents.

And we are

thousands of kilometers

away from the rents.

Irwin and Wanda

must miss us

lots.

And feel strange

compared to other's

moms and dads.

It's like we've

abandoned them

and our childhood

for things and places

different and new.

But I wish

that they knew,

its not always

the best.

Being an adult

is just

as difficult as

everyone warned.

And being away

from former support

makes it worse.

Emotional strings

being snapped

from the lifeline

that kept us

grounded.

Left alone

to figure out

just how to

live.

Please don't think differently of me/This isn't meant to be preachy

Church. That's the topic of today, and I hope you stick around to read it. You don't have to, its kind of confusing.
I love going to church, I really do. Maybe at one point I went because that's what our family did, but now I go for me. Even though I don't have the greatest spiritual relationship, I'm not a mega-christian. I don't know what I am, I'm so much more open minded than most Christians I know. Which sometimes makes me feel like I'm failing at this, and I'm not one. But after a long, stressful, sad week it makes me feel better. Uplifts my spirit.

I went the better part of the summer not going to church, and I missed it. Yeah, I was at a church camp. But it really wasn't churchy at all. Chapel would mainly be singing kids songs, with one verse read quickly in the middle. Don't get me wrong, I love songs. They can be wonderful tools for teaching and praise. But when nobody even looks at a Bible the whole summer, and there's no real emphasis on religion, the campers, counsellors, and staff aren't going to be going anywhere spiritually.
But, maybe it was just different this year because there wasn't really anyone just in charge of Chapel? If I didn't love cooking so much I might go back next year and take that position, but I would rather feed people physically.

Anyways...that got off topic. So yeah, two months of not real church. And I hate to admit it, but I don't read my Bible. I know I should, and maybe that's the problem. I don't like other people telling me how I should do this. And it just feels like a history lesson :( But now I'm going to church regularly again, and its wonderful. My church here is unfortunately better than small town Manitoba. I feel bad thinking like that, but its the truth.
Its youthful, and vibrant and alive. The emotional energy in that building was unreal this morning. Maybe I'm turning into a crazy hippie, but I really could feel this positive energy. The songs were so meaningful, and everyone is just so happy to be there. Happy to be alive, praising God for it.

And then it just hit me. If you can't see that, see that everything we have is from God. Can't admit there is a God and deny his existence. I just don't understand that. I look around at this city, and our country, and the world. And how can you deny a Creator? How do people believe this all evolved randomly from nothing? Then to go through life, with nothing to look forward to at the end? Not believing there's something better after all this?

But you know what? Some days I see how people could think like that. Terrible things happen in the world, innocent people die, and its hard for us to understand why. And sometimes there's stuff in the Bible, or preached at church that is hard for us to understand, believe, grasp. But that's part of it. Having faith in something you don't understand. In something bigger than yourself.

Life isn't easy, but having a religion to help explain things sometimes makes it better and helps you through.

And maybe none of this makes sense to you. It really is just ramblings from my brain. I don't know everything. I might not even know anything. And I'm not claiming to be right. These are just my thoughts and opinions.

Post #146 brought to you by brackets! ()[]{}

146. Kind of sad for a blog that's been alive for a couple years :(  {And apparently by a couple, I mean 4?!?}

Whatevs, doesn't really matter.

So I've started a list. Not really one of the bucket variety, though some may call it that.
More of a goals(?) for living [if that changes it] or things that will define how I want to live/what kind of human I want to be.

And if that doesn't make sense to you, you can suck it.

So yeah, I started this list last night and I've already got 22 areas of concern. Though I'm sure these will change as I get older.

This all started after we saw "Its Kind of a Funny Story" {side note- fantastic movie, (Zach Galifianakis!) obviously. If you get the chance, watch}, and at the end one of the characters is just listing off different things they're going to do now that they truly feel alive.
And it made me realize that where I am right now physically and in the spot in my life, is not leaving me with the feeling of being alive. And I want to change this. I want to feel alive. But I'm not sure how to? So making a list of the different stuff is how I'm going to sort it out and make a plan, kinda.

Now you're all thinking [And by all I mean Aaron, Jodi, Allison? (did I miss anyone?)] "So....let us have a look at this fabled list of which you speak." {Dr. Zoidberg voice}.

Someday, gentle viewer. Someday.

Where did this come from?

Food is so unnecessary.

Its nutrients that our bodies need, vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, proteins.
Not food per se, but nutrients.
Food has become such an obsession with our times. An addiction. Its gluttonous
Just give us what we need in capsules and lets move on with our lives. It would save so much time.

Get rid of this food=art crap that's going on.
People shouldn't be so worried about what they're going to put in they're mouths.

And if you can't give us nutrient rich, food replacing capsules lets cut out the crap and go back to the basics.

No more ridiculously priced, 2 bite, 6'' tall sculpture of "food". That's not food, that's a rat race to do better than the last guy.

Get rid of the processed, frozen, deep fried, ready-in-5-minutes (or less) garbage, that so many people consider "food". Nothing about that is nutritious.

Give me a plate with a meat (real meat, not some soy based meat alternative), starch, and fresh vegetables.

The healthy stuff. Simple stuff.
Not dressed up with a crazy sauce or intricate garnish.

Sure, for most people a large part of the eating experience is visual. If its look good, looks interesting the more they'll like it.
But not me. I just want my nourishment without the bells and whistles.
I don't care what it looks like. As soon as the delicious smell wafts up to my nose it triggers a memory in my brain. Of another time when I had this or something like this. and I know it was good.

Eating is a part of life. A small part that is necessary. But so many people have started to idolize it, and it's disgusting.

You should be eating to live, not living to eat.

This is the difference between living and not living

Charlottetown is such a beautiful city this time of year. Especially at night. So much going on, yet I still feel peaceful walking the streets. I slip out of the house, grab a coffee and wander. Letting the darkness cover me, feeling completely alone but still safe. I inevitably end up at the water front, after meandering down thin and sloped streets. Through crowds of smiling, happy families leaving the Mack after a show. Brushing past the guys headed to the bar. Around the loving couple, consumed by love. And that guy sitting on the curb. I pass by him, and my step slows slightly. He reminds me of the one I left behind, the one person I wish was experiencing this with me.

But yet, I want to be on my own right now. A single being in a city of thousands, a ghost that no one really notices. Alone with her thoughts and coffee. I can feel the chilly air biting at my skin, but it makes me more alive. And the closer I get to the water, the less people I pass by. Farther away from the busy restaurants and closer to solitude. Away from the bright, sparkling lights and alone with the seagulls and lighthouse. As I sit and stare out at the water and lights my thoughts are racing, but seem to slow down at the same time. Its a surreal feeling, being alone in the darkness. Hearing the water lapping at the rocks, begging me to strip off my clothes and slide in. To feel again, the sting of cold night water on my skin. And the night water is a persuasive thing, tempting me with memories of how good it feels. Even though I know its a bad idea.

So I just sit. And stare. And think. Closing my eyes, I take a deep, cleansing breath and look to the heavens. But even though I feel miles away from the city, its light still blocks out the stars. And I'm left staring at a blank black sky. Shades of grey and blue almost visible. I look to the left, see the dock for the ships vacant. The massive vessel that just occupied it gone into the blackness, not leaving a trace. And past that, in the distance is the bridge. Lit up with vehicles constantly making their way to somewhere unknown to me. And it makes me wonder why I'm alone out there, surrounded in this beauty. While people rush by, only existing in this world. Not living, just being. But we're all going to make it through each day, get old, and die. Whichever way we choose to live.

So what's the purpose of life? What's the point of being here? Why am I here? Am I just a pawn in something bigger than all this? Does none of what we do really matter? Is this all just a dream? Is this living? I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to live, to experience, to feel, with Him. Maybe that crazy, over popular, British band had it right. All you need is love. Right now love is what keeps me grounded, keeps me going and anticipating each and every new day. Love gives me something to look forward to. And maybe nothing else matters.

Friends?

Let's start another not-so-cheerful blog post with the definition of the word "Friend".
Hokay, so.
Dictionary.com tells us:
"–noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile."
 
Right...
Urbandictionary.com, you're up:
"People who are aware of how retarded you are and still manage to be seen in public with you. People who make you laugh till you pee your pants. People who cry for you when one of your special items disappear. When you don't have enough money to get a ice cream, they chip in. Knows all of your Internet passwords. Who would never make you cry just to be mean."
 
"A friend is someone who doesn't screen your calls. He/She is also someone who tries to stay in touch despite an unfathomable distance between you and him/her."


"A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.

A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.

A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.

A friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you. A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don't even think about who's talking or who's listening in a conversation with a friend.

A friend is someone for whom you're willing to change your opinions. A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn't matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.
A friend is a partner, not a leader or a follower."


Well, I hope some of you actually read all of that. How many people in your lives would you actually call "friends" based on those definitions? How many Stalkbook "friends" are actually people you regularly talk to, hang out with, or ever want to spend time with. For some people I doubt it would be more than half. So many people have ghosts of friends lingering on Stalkbook. People they went to some form of schooling with. Someone they worked with for a year, six months, a summer. A friend of a friend you met once upon a time at some random party. Never to talk to again. But these ghosts still are a part of your Stalkbook lives. They're still able to see what''s going on in your life, look at pictures, but never actually talk to you or spend time with you. Isn't that creepifying and weird? But then again, maybe Stalkbook isn't that big of a deal. Or maybe you like having 500 "friends" because it makes you seem popular?

And I bet by now, you're asking if I have a point and if I plan on getting to it sometime soon. Yeah, I do. And I am.

Right now, according to Stalkbook, I have 178 "friends".
Bullshit. I call bullshit. (pardon my french)

On a weekly basis I would probably talk to maybe 10 (not on stalkbook chat). I'm starting to feel like I lead a small lonely life. But, then I realize, I'm not lonely. Well kinda. But not really. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and a couple close friends. Most of these close friends happen to be my sisters, but they are still 2 of my best friends. And I would much rather be this close, to this small amount of people than have 500 "friends" that I don't really know.

This all started tonight when I was cleaning out random junk in my room. I came across my high school year book, and it kinda depressed me. My senior year of high school, and I was like a ghost. Sure, I didn't want to be there and for the better part of the year I was working most of the time. But still. Other than the class/grad pics, maybe 5? And because its a small school a lot of people were in there dozens of times. And then I looked through my class picture. 1 person I live with, 1 I was lucky enough to reconnect with over the summer, 1 is in France and I do my best to stay in touch with her, and the rest? Nothing. Ok, for the most part I couldn't care less what they're doing. But really, some of these people I knew for 13 years. 13! That's a majority of my life. We used to see each other 5 days a week, 10 months of the year, for 13 years. And now? Nothing.

So I kinda blame my lack of friends on graduation. But, you're thinking! Adrienne, didn't you have all last year in Charlottetown, at a new school? What about those people? Well, again I blame graduation. Most all of them have left the island, or I lost contact with them in the 5 months I was in Manitoba.

I seem to have such a hard time making friends, and I'm not sure why. I think once you get to know me I'm friendly, and funny, and like able. But I'm so shy when I don't know people, and most of the time I expect them to make the first move. Which doesn't always happen. So I end up, sitting at home. Blogging. And maybe its just because its seems like I've moved around a lot in the past year or so, that its hard to actually settle anywhere and make friends. Because I always knew I would just be leaving again soon.

And I want this to change. But yet again, in 7 months I will be moving again. Back to Manitoba somewhere. Either Brandon or Portage, depending on variables. So really, what's the point in making a bunch of new friends here. I have Allison, and Tim, and Mike here. That's good enough, right? No, I know its not.

Bleh. If I could change one thing about me, I would honestly give myself more courage. I care too much about what people think of me/if they're judging me. Is courage the right word? I dunno. Maybe just self esteem. Do you know where I could pick up some of that?

What I need

Bleh.

If only I had a time machine, and a backbone. Then I could fix all this.

But alas, I can always dream. Right?

Actually I have very strange dreams. All I remember from last nights is that I had a fish tank of sorts, with 3 different pets/animals in it. Though they weren't normal things, to me they looked like Moshi Monsters.  Which is weird. I know. I only know about them because Nicole plays online, and showed me her collection. Anyways, I had one that was crab like, a fishy one, and maybe a flying one? But they all lived in the same tank. Which was filled with water. Weird stuff.

And the only other recent one I can remember is when I had dreadlocks. and I woke up really wanting them, until I remembered how much work they are to get them started and keep them looking good. I don't want to look like a dirty hippy. A clean hippy would be fine, but not a dirty one.

What else.....?

Oh, I've started a workout/exercise plan thing. 3 times a week for now, build it up to 6 (hopefully). Just following along with videos on you tube. Easy enough. I just feel like I've done nothing for two weeks, and if I don't start this I'm going to start gaining weight.

Also, I'm very bored. I haven't found a job which equals no money. So I can't really go out and do anything. And everyone else that I know here is working or going to school all the time. I need a job. I need to get out of this house, but I've nowhere to go.

I need something.
I need someone.
I need him.

Some ramblings and complainings

Bloggity bloggity blog....

Haha. This is me, attempting to write a post.
Why?

Well, because I feel that I should. That I'm slacking off in my area of blogging responsibility.
Which is, in my opinion, the absolute wrong reason to write a post. You should write when you have something to write about, not because you just feel like you should.

"So", you are asking (as well as me), "Adrienne Lennox, what do you have to blog about?"

And the answer is simple. Nothing. At least nothing so blog-worthy it will be read by even a hundred people.

But I'm ok with that. What I put in a post is what's important to me, and right now it is
-
-
-
-
----"LIFE IN CHARLOTTETOWN (for the next 8 months or so. maybe 9. depends on what my plans are for the summer and then the rest of my life) WITHOUT HIM (and how are we going to make this work?) AND TRYING TO FIND A JOB IN MY CHOSEN FIELD FOR BEFORE MENTIONED AMOUNT OF TIME (this is proving difficult, and I may end up in retail. But I'm worried that ma and pa will be angry and think I've wasted their money last year) WHILE ALSO HAVING SOMEWHAT OF A SOCIAL LIFE WHEN I LITERALLY HAVE NO MONEY (no, I really don't. I have a line of credit from last year to pay off, rent, phone bill, car payments, credit card, and food. that doesn't leave any, really. Especially being sans job. and Christmas is coming up. bleh)."

Now to address each of those more in depth.

I love Charlottetown. I really do. I think part of it is being close to the water. Its a smallish city, but its big enough to have everything I could need.

But. Most of my friends and family are back on the Prairies. and the odds of convincing all of them to move out here too? Not a chinamen's chance (sorry if you find that racist, or something. just a saying I've picked up from Irwin)

So now I feel like a have to choose between two loves. Them or the city?

But maybe I only love Charlottetown because its really the only place I've live outside of the farm and the rents? Because I feel this way about the camp from this past summer too. But maybe that's for other reasons haha.

And maybe I could fall in love again. With another city.

Because if I don't, I'll have to continue living without Him. or make him leave his family and friends.

And I've been gone from him for a week, and sometimes I don't know how I'm going to do this. I miss everything about him. I miss being able to see him, and feel his arms around me. I miss the smell of his hair, and I'm having trouble remembering the sound of his voice. I miss our jokes, and how he can always make me laugh. I miss how we could hang out all day, not having to do anything, but we'd never run out of things to say. I miss how the more time we spent together, the more we found we have in common. I like discovering more of his like and interests, and then being able to make fun of them :). I miss playing Nintendo, and having him yell at me when I was "doing it wrong".

Finding a job. I hate it. So much. I honestly wish one would fall into my lap, because I dislike doing this so much. I have been trying. I applied to 4 places before we even came out here. Only one reply, and they wanted me to make 'lebanese oriental sweets", which I don't know how to do and they did not specify in the ad. Bleh. garbage

Social. That's probably one word you would not choose to describe me.
I know this, and I'm ok with it.

Hokay, so. Here's the deal.

I hate a) large groups of people b) people I don't know c) people I don't have anything in common with d) loud noises. Mix these all together and you get a social anxiety ball called Adrienne. I honestly think I have a disorder or something. Ask Aaron about the first time I met his friends, I was a wreck. I thought I was going to vomit. Ended up they were all super nice, and I had nothing to worry about. Its experiences like that, that will help me get over this problem.

Which means, for now, I'd much rather curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee (or like tonight, chamomile tea) and watch a movie. Or just be completely alone, read a book or have a bath. I'm not a social animal, and I'm worried about how that will affect our relationship. I'd rather just hang out with a few close friends, than a party full of people I don't know.

But, after awhile it starts to get boring. Especially with it being me and Allison living together. Luckily Tim's here this year. and hopefully I'll get a job soon and meet people there. But for now its just us. But I don't even have money to go to the movies, or out to eat.

So I'm bored already.
And missing everyone.
And feeling super tired all the time.

And I hate the cold.

No title

Today...was pretty good.

I stayed in bed until almost noon.

Why?

Haha, wouldn't you like to know.

Then I ate way too many chocolate chip pecan cookies.

Wanda's been in a baking frenzy.

Which is awesome, but fattening.

That's something you should know about me, I'm addicted to food.
If its delicious or comforting, I can't stop eating.

I also would like to lay in bed, all day sometimes.

I listen to country music when I'm feeling homesick, because it reminds me of my daddy.

I have a huge aversion to germs and bacteria.

I can't go 2 months without dying my hair.

I love Manitoba, yet hate it at the same time.

I wish my life was figured out, and I knew when I would be with you permanently.

I'm scared of the future. But excited at the same time.

Because I know I'll be with you :)

A brutally honest post

I'm not good enough...for anything

That's really how I feel about myself sometimes. Or at least once a month, for a couple days.

I start hating on myself hardcore.

Not nice enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not thin enough.
Not smart enough.

I've made too many bad choices. Too many mistakes.
I don't deserve anything good that I have.

I don't deserve love or happiness.
I don't deserve anything.

And when this happens, all I want to do is lay in bed. and cry. And maybe eat all the time, but because I'm fat I don't.

But I can't. I have to get up in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend that everything is ok.
Why? Because I don't want people to pity me. I don't want certain people to ask questions, because it would only make me cry. When someone actually shows a sincere interest, it makes me cry. I don't like dealing with stuff, I'd rather push it down and bury it.

I pretend to be a strong, independent, emotionally balanced person.
But all I want is someone to lean on.
Someone to hold my hand, and let me cry.
Someone to give me a hug and tell me that its all going to be ok, that I just need to gear it down, that I'm not a nut job or a terrible person, and they love me. No matter what.

And I hope I do have that.
I hope that even when I'm neurotic and emotional like this he doesn't get freaked out.
I hope he can deal with me, nicely.
And I hope he's always real and honest with me. Tells me the truth even if its hard to do.
I hope.

I'm sorry if I have freaked you out. If so, lets pretend you didn't see this side of me.

29 left

Roughly 29 days until I'm gone. Depends when we leave exactly.

Only 29 days to spend with my family, and friends, and him.
Or without him.

Bleh.
It saddens me even more to think that in these 29 days, maybe 10 with him. Maybe, if we're lucky.

I hate how I miss him already, and we're still in the same province. Still only 2 1/2 hours away from each other. Not 44 hours. Not 3605 km. Only 174 km.....but it feels like lots more.

Only 29 days to find a job in Charlottetown.
Only 29 days to figure out how we're going to afford our place.

Only 29 days to pack up my life again. Probably the 4th time in a year.
Only 29 days.

Its not enough. But somedays its too much.

It sums it up

Perfectly.

I was going to go through and highlight all of my favorite parts of this song, the parts that tell how I feel.

But then I realized it would just be the entire thing pretty much.

Relient K has always been one of my favorite bands. They were slightly immature when I was younger, and its like they guys, the band, and the music have grown with me. There was an album or so that I didn't want to listen to or enjoy, out of spite, because they lost a bunch of the band members and brought in new guys that I didn't like. But now I realize that it really did help to make them better and more mature.

Their music now is so mature, and wonderful. and can make me smile, cry, or laugh. It makes me want to dance, or just chill out. To me it is perfection, when I'm happy. or sad.

To me, this one talks about being in love but not being able to be together.
Even though they both want each other. 

But he's on his way to her. Driving through the night, tears of anticipation and longing running down his face.

And she'll be there, waiting anxiously for him. Because she knows how much he wants her too.

And he knows that once they're together again that night, everything will be right.
Laying beside her he sees that together they are perfect. That it is how God planned it.
He's gone his whole life, wanting to find her.
And now that she with him, everything makes sense.

Even though its not the start of their relationship, not the first time they're together it still always feels like it.
Still feels just as exciting, and new. Can still feel the butterflies, and the love is just as strong.
Strong enough that even when they aren't laying beside each other they both know that it is real, and its going to last.

Savannah

I hope to be there by the morning

And see this pining all transforming

Into the arms of the Georgia sun

Savannah

I'd love to feel the heat the sunrise

Brushing rays across my windshield as if one dries

The streams from off my face

Yet I know you'll be there cause you'll know I'll want you to be there

And we'll say hello as you're smiling in love

And we'll sigh so relieved I believe because we will both know by tonight we'll feel normal again

But until then

Until then

Until then

Savannah

Our backs supported by a hammock

We sum up perfection like a handbook

And God knows it all too well

Savannah

We'll take a walk to find a gift shop

Who would've thought the book that you bought

Would never come off the shelf

Baby

I spent my life wondering

Wondering when I'd find you

I searched for all these years and now you're right here

I need you to know that

Everything makes sense when you're with me

Savannah

Walk out into the sultry evening

Cotton breathing when the sea winds

Brush the hair down around your neck

Savannah

You hold my hand like it's the first time

And all the feelings that our hearts find

Will be just what we expect

Stuff

I thought this blog had died, till I stumbled over it and realized it was still hanging on.

Or at least in my mind, I still have stuff to say and thoughts to share, and sentences to write.

So here I am. Saying. Sharing. Writing.

I think the title of this blog needs to change. I created it so long ago, when I was young and not anywhere near happy.

But now I am. A latte. Everything seems to be working out great. Its not perfect, but I think that's normal.

Life is good. Because all I need is a job, friends, family. If I can have all of those that I love, life will be close to perfect.