A brutally honest post

I'm not good enough...for anything

That's really how I feel about myself sometimes. Or at least once a month, for a couple days.

I start hating on myself hardcore.

Not nice enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not thin enough.
Not smart enough.

I've made too many bad choices. Too many mistakes.
I don't deserve anything good that I have.

I don't deserve love or happiness.
I don't deserve anything.

And when this happens, all I want to do is lay in bed. and cry. And maybe eat all the time, but because I'm fat I don't.

But I can't. I have to get up in the morning, put a smile on my face, and pretend that everything is ok.
Why? Because I don't want people to pity me. I don't want certain people to ask questions, because it would only make me cry. When someone actually shows a sincere interest, it makes me cry. I don't like dealing with stuff, I'd rather push it down and bury it.

I pretend to be a strong, independent, emotionally balanced person.
But all I want is someone to lean on.
Someone to hold my hand, and let me cry.
Someone to give me a hug and tell me that its all going to be ok, that I just need to gear it down, that I'm not a nut job or a terrible person, and they love me. No matter what.

And I hope I do have that.
I hope that even when I'm neurotic and emotional like this he doesn't get freaked out.
I hope he can deal with me, nicely.
And I hope he's always real and honest with me. Tells me the truth even if its hard to do.
I hope.

I'm sorry if I have freaked you out. If so, lets pretend you didn't see this side of me.