Friends?

Let's start another not-so-cheerful blog post with the definition of the word "Friend".
Hokay, so.
Dictionary.com tells us:
"–noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile."
 
Right...
Urbandictionary.com, you're up:
"People who are aware of how retarded you are and still manage to be seen in public with you. People who make you laugh till you pee your pants. People who cry for you when one of your special items disappear. When you don't have enough money to get a ice cream, they chip in. Knows all of your Internet passwords. Who would never make you cry just to be mean."
 
"A friend is someone who doesn't screen your calls. He/She is also someone who tries to stay in touch despite an unfathomable distance between you and him/her."


"A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.

A friend is someone who is happy to spend time with you doing absolutely nothing at all; someone who doesn't mind driving you on stupid errands, who will get up at midnight just because you want to go on an adventure, and who doesn’t have to talk to communicate with you.

A friend is someone who not only doesn't care if you're ugly or boring, but doesn't even think about it; someone who forgives you no matter what you do, and someone who tries to help you even when they don't know how. A friend is someone who tells you if you're being stupid, but who doesn't make you feel stupid.

A friend is someone who would sacrifice their life and happiness for you. A friend is someone who will come with you when you have to do boring things like watch bad recitals, go to stuffy parties, or wait in boring lobbies. You don't even think about who's talking or who's listening in a conversation with a friend.

A friend is someone for whom you're willing to change your opinions. A friend is someone you look forward to seeing and who looks forward to seeing you: someone you like so much, it doesn't matter if you share interests or traits. A friend is someone you like so much, you start to like the things they like.
A friend is a partner, not a leader or a follower."


Well, I hope some of you actually read all of that. How many people in your lives would you actually call "friends" based on those definitions? How many Stalkbook "friends" are actually people you regularly talk to, hang out with, or ever want to spend time with. For some people I doubt it would be more than half. So many people have ghosts of friends lingering on Stalkbook. People they went to some form of schooling with. Someone they worked with for a year, six months, a summer. A friend of a friend you met once upon a time at some random party. Never to talk to again. But these ghosts still are a part of your Stalkbook lives. They're still able to see what''s going on in your life, look at pictures, but never actually talk to you or spend time with you. Isn't that creepifying and weird? But then again, maybe Stalkbook isn't that big of a deal. Or maybe you like having 500 "friends" because it makes you seem popular?

And I bet by now, you're asking if I have a point and if I plan on getting to it sometime soon. Yeah, I do. And I am.

Right now, according to Stalkbook, I have 178 "friends".
Bullshit. I call bullshit. (pardon my french)

On a weekly basis I would probably talk to maybe 10 (not on stalkbook chat). I'm starting to feel like I lead a small lonely life. But, then I realize, I'm not lonely. Well kinda. But not really. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and a couple close friends. Most of these close friends happen to be my sisters, but they are still 2 of my best friends. And I would much rather be this close, to this small amount of people than have 500 "friends" that I don't really know.

This all started tonight when I was cleaning out random junk in my room. I came across my high school year book, and it kinda depressed me. My senior year of high school, and I was like a ghost. Sure, I didn't want to be there and for the better part of the year I was working most of the time. But still. Other than the class/grad pics, maybe 5? And because its a small school a lot of people were in there dozens of times. And then I looked through my class picture. 1 person I live with, 1 I was lucky enough to reconnect with over the summer, 1 is in France and I do my best to stay in touch with her, and the rest? Nothing. Ok, for the most part I couldn't care less what they're doing. But really, some of these people I knew for 13 years. 13! That's a majority of my life. We used to see each other 5 days a week, 10 months of the year, for 13 years. And now? Nothing.

So I kinda blame my lack of friends on graduation. But, you're thinking! Adrienne, didn't you have all last year in Charlottetown, at a new school? What about those people? Well, again I blame graduation. Most all of them have left the island, or I lost contact with them in the 5 months I was in Manitoba.

I seem to have such a hard time making friends, and I'm not sure why. I think once you get to know me I'm friendly, and funny, and like able. But I'm so shy when I don't know people, and most of the time I expect them to make the first move. Which doesn't always happen. So I end up, sitting at home. Blogging. And maybe its just because its seems like I've moved around a lot in the past year or so, that its hard to actually settle anywhere and make friends. Because I always knew I would just be leaving again soon.

And I want this to change. But yet again, in 7 months I will be moving again. Back to Manitoba somewhere. Either Brandon or Portage, depending on variables. So really, what's the point in making a bunch of new friends here. I have Allison, and Tim, and Mike here. That's good enough, right? No, I know its not.

Bleh. If I could change one thing about me, I would honestly give myself more courage. I care too much about what people think of me/if they're judging me. Is courage the right word? I dunno. Maybe just self esteem. Do you know where I could pick up some of that?