This is the difference between living and not living

Charlottetown is such a beautiful city this time of year. Especially at night. So much going on, yet I still feel peaceful walking the streets. I slip out of the house, grab a coffee and wander. Letting the darkness cover me, feeling completely alone but still safe. I inevitably end up at the water front, after meandering down thin and sloped streets. Through crowds of smiling, happy families leaving the Mack after a show. Brushing past the guys headed to the bar. Around the loving couple, consumed by love. And that guy sitting on the curb. I pass by him, and my step slows slightly. He reminds me of the one I left behind, the one person I wish was experiencing this with me.

But yet, I want to be on my own right now. A single being in a city of thousands, a ghost that no one really notices. Alone with her thoughts and coffee. I can feel the chilly air biting at my skin, but it makes me more alive. And the closer I get to the water, the less people I pass by. Farther away from the busy restaurants and closer to solitude. Away from the bright, sparkling lights and alone with the seagulls and lighthouse. As I sit and stare out at the water and lights my thoughts are racing, but seem to slow down at the same time. Its a surreal feeling, being alone in the darkness. Hearing the water lapping at the rocks, begging me to strip off my clothes and slide in. To feel again, the sting of cold night water on my skin. And the night water is a persuasive thing, tempting me with memories of how good it feels. Even though I know its a bad idea.

So I just sit. And stare. And think. Closing my eyes, I take a deep, cleansing breath and look to the heavens. But even though I feel miles away from the city, its light still blocks out the stars. And I'm left staring at a blank black sky. Shades of grey and blue almost visible. I look to the left, see the dock for the ships vacant. The massive vessel that just occupied it gone into the blackness, not leaving a trace. And past that, in the distance is the bridge. Lit up with vehicles constantly making their way to somewhere unknown to me. And it makes me wonder why I'm alone out there, surrounded in this beauty. While people rush by, only existing in this world. Not living, just being. But we're all going to make it through each day, get old, and die. Whichever way we choose to live.

So what's the purpose of life? What's the point of being here? Why am I here? Am I just a pawn in something bigger than all this? Does none of what we do really matter? Is this all just a dream? Is this living? I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to live, to experience, to feel, with Him. Maybe that crazy, over popular, British band had it right. All you need is love. Right now love is what keeps me grounded, keeps me going and anticipating each and every new day. Love gives me something to look forward to. And maybe nothing else matters.